From when to bring the sober topic up, to how to find alternative first date venues that don't involve alcohol - Michael Singh talks all things sober dating with us.
As a man who suffers with anxiety and self-confidence challenges, dating is something I’ve always found incredibly daunting. I’ve always struggled with self-image, holding a relatively low opinion of myself, especially from a physical perspective. So, the mere thought of a first date sent shivers tingling down my spine, and that was only exacerbated when I first became sober.
The mere thought of a first date sent shivers tingling down my spine, and that was only exacerbated when I first became sober.
Dating and drinking, for me and, I’m sure for many others, always went hand in hand, like beans on toast or sugar on pancakes. First date? Well you can guarantee that would involve a pub, or if I felt a little classy, a nice cocktail bar. I’d find myself arriving early, just so I could neck a couple of pints to alleviate the nerves before the date arrived. At the time it seemed normal and the sensible thing to do, but hindsight is a wonderful thing, isn’t it? It turned out, I relied on “Dutch Courage” to get over the nerves and settle me down.
It turned out, I relied on “Dutch Courage” to get over the nerves and settle me down.
Reflecting on this behaviour, I can see that I was constantly putting myself in a situation where I wasn’t being my authentic self. I was meeting up with someone I could potentially start a romance with, but instead of being myself and finding out whether or not there was compatibility, all they were getting was a cloudy-headed and tipsy lad who was now more focused on getting another drink.
So, what are my experiences of sober dating? Well, when I first turned sober, my confidence was at an all-time low and I just wasn’t prepared to socialise without that crutch. I ultimately took a hiatus from romance until I learned more about who I was, and became more comfortable in my own skin.
I ultimately took a hiatus from romance until I learned more about who I was, and became more comfortable in my own skin.
Once that time came around, I decided to throw myself back out there by basically trying every form of dating. I downloaded the apps, attended a singles’ mixer, tried my hand at speed dating, and searched for love within the sober community.
One of the things I’ve learned is that there are actually things you can do on a first date other than get drunk!
One of the things I’ve learned is that there are actually things you can do on a first date other than get drunk! Who would have thought?! This was a mind-blowing concept that definitely changed the way I looked at dating. The biggest result being that I would actually remember the entire date.
The whole idea of a first date is to get to know someone in order to understand whether there’s compatibility or not. There’s nothing worse than waking up the next morning (more likely afternoon) with a sore head and literally no recollection of what you talked about, or whether you legitimately enjoyed spending an evening with the person or not. I have wasted so many evenings and dates being inebriated.
I have wasted so many evenings and dates being inebriated.
Instead of going to the pub, I’ve found myself genuinely enjoying going on walks, attending a Christmas lights show, playing a few rounds of crazy golf, and I even went on a dumplings crawl (instead of a pub crawl) in China Town. One of my fonder first date moments was wearing the wrong footwear (my trainers) for a December walk in Hampstead Heath, falling over and not only ending up with the soggiest feet ever, but also a wet butt. This might sound disastrous, but it was actually rather hilarious and it certainly took away the nerves!
If the date doesn’t work out, then at least you’ve spent the day or evening legitimately enjoying an experience or activity.
You can be as creative as you want, but more importantly, you can do something that you actually want to do. If the date doesn’t work out, then at least you’ve spent the day or evening legitimately enjoying an experience or activity. Walks do tend to be my preferred first date option (weather permitting), as there’s just something nice about being in nature and getting some exercise instead of sitting down face-to-face with each other, panicking while you awkwardly try to work out what to say next.
The conversation has drastically changed during my alcohol-free dates. In the past, I’d have found myself talking mainly about booze, or my embarrassing drunk stories and wanting to get to know things like their favourite drinks, where they liked to party etc.. Now, I actually talk about the things that I care about, and I ask the questions that I want to hear the answers to, like their genuine passions or hobbies, and what really makes them happy.
Quite a few people ask me how long I wait before I reveal that I’m sober, and this is mainly coming from the perspective that there is still a stigma surrounding sobriety and recovery. I am actually very upfront about it. On the dating apps there’s usually an option to show this but I make sure and include it in any bio I write too. My reasoning behind this is where it may limit my dating pool, the people it puts off are more than likely ones I would not have been compatible with anyway. So essentially, it isn’t a loss to either of us. If anything, my experience with being upfront about my sobriety has led to a lot of interest from people on the topic.
If anything, my experience with being upfront about my sobriety has led to a lot of interest from people on the topic.
There've been quite a few people who have congratulated me, and genuinely curious about my journey. So, it can actually be a pretty good conversation starter! Sobriety and clear-headedness has helped me be a lot more selective when it comes to potential matches. I think the decision to go sober is a subconscious effort to prioritise ourselves, and this continues in all aspects of life, including romance. I’ve also found that sobriety has allowed me to be more brave in establishing boundaries. Dating is now a lot more about quality over quantity.
I am now much more cautious and considered with my dating decisions, where in the past I was so invested in the outcome that I was willing to settle. This was likely driven by my need for validation and desirability, but sobriety has really helped my confidence and feeling of self-worth. I no longer need someone to find me attractive or want sexual relations with me in order to feel normal. Getting to this stage wasn’t a switch that was flipped overnight. It’s taken a lot of self-discovery and working on myself.
Getting to this stage wasn’t a switch that was flipped overnight. It’s taken a lot of self-discovery and working on myself.
I’d found myself never really learning how to be comfortable in social situations without that artificial confidence from substances, but by pushing myself out of my comfort zone and attending things like speed dating (which was terrifying when I first signed up), dating doesn’t feel as intense or high pressure anymore. I still get nervous, but it’s certainly easier than it was back in my drinking days.
A first date is no longer an excuse to get drunk, but instead a chance to do something nice.
A first date is no longer an excuse to get drunk, but instead a chance to do something nice. It’s an opportunity to actually try and get to know someone new, to understand whether we’re compatible, and see if there’s the potential for love. And although that hasn’t happened yet, I remain happy and proud to be putting myself back out there. I won’t be looking for love and validation in the bottom of a bottle anymore, that much is for sure!
Michael Singh, 31, from London, is co-creator of the Sober is Sexy 2023 calendar – a cheeky calendar raising money for Alcohol Change UK, featuring 12 everyday people who use social media to open up the discussion on alcohol, addiction and sobiety. You can follow Michael’s Instagram account to follow his sober adventures a @sober_singhy.
