As parents, we wanted to write a blog about this period of the year, formerly known to us as ‘The Summer Holidays'. Clever marketing, that... It’s NO holiday is it? So we have re-named and reclaimed it as ‘The Period of School Closure’. We feel it’s very important to recognise this as a part of the year that puts more pressure on parents and carers. This year could be especially stressful because of COVID-19, heightened anxiety and coming out of lockdown. We’ve all been dealing with extra pressures for months, so we’re feeling a bit exhausted even at the start of the Period of School Closure.
It’s vital we talk about the extra triggers and stressors we might face at this time which can make us more likely to struggle with drinking or pose a threat to our sobriety. That’s why we’ve created this SOS toolkit.
We’ve all been dealing with extra pressures for months, so we’re feeling a bit exhausted even at the start of the Period of School Closure.
Firstly, what are triggers? Triggers to drink typically happen when we are affected by an emotional response to a person, place, time of day or situation, leading us suddenly to want to drink alcohol.
This can be because we are stressed and our nervous system is seeking regulation to come out of a fight/flight/freeze response. Or it could be a romanticised rosé-tinted type memory where you think “I’d love just one glass of rosé at the BBQ...” – forgetting how we never really stop at one.
It can help to understand what’s going on in our brain when we experience a trigger. The left side of our brain deals with rational thought – “I know it’s bad for me” – while the right side deals with emotion – “I remember the time when drinking was so fun.” The right side’s pull can be stronger (especially due to alcohol’s addictive properties), so what can happen is we take leave of our senses and our decision not to drink and talk ourselves into it. (Want more detail? This video might help understand this further, and here's a bit more science.)
What’s the solution? We need to build new memories, plan and create motivation in order to not respond by default to a trigger.
By having a toolkit and a road map to keep us on track, we can put our best sober foot forward to run the gauntlet of the Summer Holidays Period of School Closure.
… Of ourselves and holidays. Lower the bar. Talk to the kids about their expectations. Reclaim and reframe what holiday means: they’re about rest and restoration, not endless activity.
The high day/holiday mentality – lack of boundaries or ’time out’ of normal life – tends to escalate drinking, so ask yourself what you really want from a holiday. How do you want to feel afterwards? How can you make sure you all get some well-earned rest from working, schooling and parenting?
It’s a big topic, so you can read more here.
The high day/holiday mentality – lack of boundaries or ’time out’ of normal life – tends to escalate drinking, so ask yourself what you really want from a holiday.
IT’S A LOT. In the summer there are outings, playdates, childcare to sort, working, taking on too much, and the swapping between roles. So what’s the solution? We use tools of planning. There’s the general planning – for example planning in down days, batch cooking dinners. Then there are the drinking plans. We suggest you identify your key trigger points and have a plan for them. For example, you might always fancy a drink when you’re cooking dinner, or when the kids are in bed. Make sure you have an alternative for those moments – a cold alcohol-free drink, an emergency snack, taking a moment outside. Whatever helps you get past that trigger. Most cravings last only six minutes, so if you can occupy yourself for a bit you’re golden.
We introduced triggers at the start of this blog. Of course many triggers are personal, but a few are pretty universal: Hunger, Anger, Loneliness and Tiredness. HALT. Watch out for these, and try to make sure you’re ready for them so that drinking doesn’t become your go-to solution. Rehydrate, be ready with emergency snacks, plan who you can talk to, find other ways to self-soothe, and plan in rest time. Which leads us on to…
Parenting is a marathon more than a sprint, and the Period of School Closure is a case in point. All the more so this year, coming hot on the heels of lockdown. It’s easy to start off at 100 miles an hour, only to burn out after a few weeks. So how can you set the right pace?
It may be useful to plan the structure of each day with everyone the night before. When do you have to work? What free-time do you have? Who is doing what and when? Having a chat with the kids will lead to less disappointment and unmet expectations, and help you feel less guilty.
When you have an idea of what the day might look like, look for when you can rest and take breaks. If this seems impossible, maybe you need to take some plans out? Holidays should include lots of downtime so we can recuperate. This is all the more important when managing our drinking: when we’re exhausted, our willpower will reduce.
Parenting is a marathon more than a sprint, and the Period of School Closure is a case in point... This is all the more important when managing our drinking: when we’re exhausted, our willpower will reduce.
Tech is fine sometimes. Life does not have to look like a Cath Kidston v Boden bun fight. We are allowed to be tired and a bit of boredom is ok.
This is a common trigger for many. Play it forward: remember a hangover in the heat with kids is never pretty. If you drink in the day that hangover kicks in mid-afternoon, and what then? You drink more? Or you move into the terrible impatient parent zone? What would it look like if you could enjoy the whole sunny day, morning to evening, hangover-free?
Having a group of people/parents/ grandparents who can share the load. Perhaps you can carshare with a friend for activities? Or arrange to share childcare through playdates with a friend? Or spend the money you save on not drinking to book a babysitter once a week to make sure you get a break? There are also so many online support groups now which is amazing to help you on your sober journey. You are not alone and there is no shame in struggle, so reach out and get support.
That’s ‘fear of meeting up’ to the uninitiated. We all feel this – all the more so after months of lockdown when we got out of the habit of meeting up with people. Use tools to manage anxiety: breathing, planning three alcohol-free drinks before you go out, being the designated driver. Plus respect your social ‘window’ – that bit when you have had enough and your inner toddler has a meltdown – and have exit strategy to get home.
For the unfamiliar, this means ‘joy of missing out’! It describes that feeling when you turn down plans, or those plans are cancelled, and you get to revel in having a bit of down time.
There’s no shame in JOMO. Even in summer. You don’t have to say ‘yes’ to everything just because it’s sunny and the evenings are longer – and if you do opt out, stay off social media so you don’t get triggered by FOMO (JOMO’s evil twin – the ‘fear of missing out’).
Respect your pivotal position as a parent/carer and apply your own oxygen mask first. A fundamental part of self-care is stepping away from a toxic relationship with alcohol and answering to your real needs. When you look after yourself you have the ability, patience and strength to look after others.
You rock.
Love Kate and Mandy x
- Kate and Mandy's book, Love Yourself Sober, A Self-Care Guide for Busy Mothers is out 3 September 3 2020, published by Trigger Publishing. You can pre-order now.
