Like all people who value their sobriety, I fiercely protect mine and try my best to keep it intact. Whether I am socialising in a pub, restaurant or in a friend’s home, my guard is never down when it comes to alcohol, often taking my own drinks or asking the people I trust to taste my drink if I am at all doubtful that it is not alcohol free.
I have absolutely no issues with doing this – it comes from a sense of fear more than anything, because alcohol took everything from me and almost took my life, so to drink it could be catastrophic for me. I am not being dramatic when I compare it to having an allergy. I know that I simply do not have another recovery in me, and to start to drink again would lead to my death.
Because of this, whilst I am confident that the treatment I had almost ten years ago to help me overcome my complete physical and mental dependence on alcohol effectively ‘re-wired’ my brain, and is holding strong, I have never risked testing it. I would never dare to try an alcohol-free wine or alcohol-free anything because of my fear that being reminded of the taste would send me spiralling back to a place that terrifies me.
So, in recent years I have welcomed the variety of drinks that have become available that aren’t meant to taste like alcohol, but feel like more of an ‘adult’ drink nonetheless – things like Seedlip, Everleaf and my favourite sparkling tea. These have been a game changer for me, but have maybe caused me to drop my guard slightly.
Several times in the past, I have been inadvertently served alcohol – gin and tonic instead of tonic – which I have put down to the bar being noisy or ‘just one of those things’. However, recently this seems to have become more of an issue and has happened to me on three occasions in only two months. I have even been forced to go to the ladies and make myself vomit after swallowing a drink and realising instantly it had strong alcohol in it which isn’t something I want to repeat.
Sadly, one of the most recent experiences left me shaken and distressed for several days, because of the fear that my addiction to alcohol might have been prodded into waking up - even after all of these years. I was terrified that by allowing alcohol into my body and bloodstream and ultimately my brain, the thing that destroyed my life, the dark shadow that had controlled me for so long, might begin to stir again and begin to whisper that maybe it would be okay now for me to have just one drink.
Ordering mocktails for me now feels a bit like playing Russian Roulette with my sobriety, and I’d just rather not risk it anymore.
So, my plea in the run up to the festive season is that more care is taken with non-alcoholic drinks orders. People should be able to socialise safe in the knowledge that they can order an alcohol-free wine, alcohol-free lager, mocktail, tonic…, and they won’t inadvertently be served alcohol. In the build up to Christmas, this is an especially important message because pubs and bars are busier and noisier, and mistakes can happen more easily.
We also need alcohol to stop taking centre-stage in the festivities where alcohol adverts are relentless, selling us a cosy Christmas card fireside scene, with wine glasses and champagne flutes in hand. And where supermarkets bombard us with discounted offers, creating prominent displays designed to make us buy more alcohol. Trying to maintain sobriety is difficult at the best of times but at Christmas, when alcohol is absolutely everywhere, it’s particularly jarring and can lead to devastating consequences.
I am lucky because I have almost ten years of sobriety behind me, and an inner strength that I didn’t know I had until I got sober. But imagine the impact on someone who is just beginning their alcohol-free journey? No one should be made to feel that the only way to have fun at Christmas is to drink alcohol, or to miss out on socialising with their friends and loved ones because they’re worried they’ll be served the wrong drink. Why should someone like me only feel 100% safe ordering coke or sparkling water to avoid the risk of being given a gin and tonic instead of tonic? Or an alcoholic cocktail instead of a mocktail?
As the festivities ramp up, let’s make ordering your favourite non-alcoholic tipple a cinch rather than bind, leaving nothing to a game of chance.
