In this blog, Denise shares her story about struggling with alcohol and mental health, and how writing became a therapeutic outlet - later inspiring her award-winning short film, 'This is Depression'.
When people ask me about when I was drinking, I often describe it as 'hell'. But not like the hell we were brought up to imagine. It isn't full of fire and brimstone and weeping and wailing men, instead it's empty, cold like winter, and deathly quiet... apart from an incessant voice that plays on a loop whispering incessantly, “Go on, take it – have one more” as I lie helpless on the ground.
This is what hell is really like, and I know because I’ve been there.
My name is Denise, and today I am an award-winning writer – which is all kinds of cool, because, not all that long ago, I could barely string a sentence together, let alone write one. I was far too busy drinking myself to death.
A relationship breakdown was the catalyst for a series of events that brought me to my knees. Within the space of a few months everything in my life as I'd known it was gone and I started to drink to excess, initially to help me to cope, and then to try and fill the void. Soon, I needed alcohol simply to function.
My already spiralling mental health grew progressively worse as old demons resurfaced, and this, coupled with an ever-growing addiction to alcohol, turned me into an absolute danger and liability to myself. I either didn't see trouble or bad situations coming, or I was too depressed to care. Either way, my judgement and intuition were often way off point, and every wrong turn or bad decision I made only succeeded in dragging me further down into a bottomless pit.
"I had two options open to me: detox or die."
I went to my GP for help, but he was reluctant to offer advice in an area he had very little knowledge about. So, in desperation, I turned to Google, found the medications I thought that I'd need, picked up a prescription, and attempted a home detox. I had no real idea of what I was doing or how much I should take, and so I guesstimated quantities and prayed for a miracle.
Within hours I was drinking on top of the prescription medication – a lethal combination that could have killed me. Soon I was pretty much existing on them and alcohol alone, meaning that my already dire situation got a lot worse.
At this time I was in a relationship with another heavy drinker, who spent the time he wasn't drinking tearing me to shreds. My mental health was shot to pieces and my body was starting to shut down. I had two options open to me: detox or die.
Absolutely broken and weighing a pitiful 6 stone, I was admitted into treatment in 2016 – a decision I credit with saving my life.
For the next four months I lived and breathed recovery, and slowly the chaos in my mind started to subside as my body adjusted to living without alcohol. I did everything I was asked to do to the absolute letter, and with every day that passed I felt myself get stronger.
Four months after I arrived, I left rehab, moved into a homeless hostel and tentatively started again.
"I did everything I was asked to do to the absolute letter, and with every day that passed I felt myself get stronger."
I initially started to write as a way to distract myself from what
was often a noisy, challenging, and ever-changing environment. My stress
levels were high and I needed an outlet. Soon this hobby became my
‘therapy' as I poured my innermost thoughts and feelings onto the page,
and for the first time in years I started to make sense of myself and my
demons. I clung to writing like a life raft.
I started an online blog called Just A Girl-My life, opened a Twitter account and started to upload my blogs to an audience I couldn't see and didn't know.
The response to my work took my breath away, and my confidence grew
as I realised that not only were my words hitting home, they were having
an impact and encouraging others to open up and share their own stories
of addiction and mental health battles with me.
In 2018 I pushed my boundaries even further and decided to turn a
blog that I'd written called “This Is Depression" into a short, dark,
animated film, with the help from friends and followers I'd made on
twitter.
"[The film] documents the overwhelming loss, loneliness, fear and confusion I was feeling at that time; living with the knowledge that I was dicing with death, but feeling that I didn't have the strength or the courage to keep on fighting unseen enemies that appeared to be so much bigger than me."
The film is a snapshot of my lowest point. It documents the overwhelming loss, loneliness, fear and confusion I was feeling at that time; living with the knowledge that I was dicing with death, but feeling that I didn't have the strength or the courage to keep on fighting unseen enemies that appeared to be so much bigger than me. It is incredibly raw and honest and, to date, it has 4 prestigious awards to its name. It has screened in festivals around the world, and is due to be shown both at Lisbon Film Festival and Cornwall Film Festival this month.
Gradually, this story of a lost, lonely woman in a bar has become so much bigger than the sum of its parts. Writing, narrating and bringing this tiny film to life has been my proudest achievement to date, second only to achieving and maintaining my sobriety.
I have been in recovery now for almost 4 years.
Today I am happy, healthy and I live a relatively normal life. To look at me you would never know or even suspect the horrors that I've been through and I take great pride in that, given the way that I was living back then. I continue to aim high and to constantly push my own boundaries, and I continue to tell my story in the hope that it helps someone who needs to hear it.
