Looking back over my life I have been a binge drinker since my late 20s. The man I was married to was alcohol dependent and my alcohol consumption increased during the time we were together. Roll forward a few years and after we divorced, I was still binge drinking, mainly at the weekends on my own, and (unknown to myself) self-medicating to deal with my anxiety, depression and loneliness.
I saw drinking wine as “something to do” when I had nothing else to do, especially after I retired and there were no worries about early morning starts. I had no idea that alcohol was making my depression and anxiety worse.
The turning point for me came when one of my cousins died from liver cancer- he had been alcohol dependent and although he had abstained from alcohol for over 10 years the damage had been done. He was a dear, sweet man, much loved by all of us.
I decided to sign up for the Dry January® challenge in 2024, not even sure that I would make it to the end of the month. My home became alcohol free (and still is) as I knew at this early stage, I would not be able to resist a bottle of wine lurking in the cupboard, so I gave away what I had to friends as a late New Year’s gift.
Ticking off the teacups and knowing I was not alone in what felt like a lonely battle at the start, really kept me going.
I am now 18 months into this journey and what I call an “extreme moderator” - drinking a very occasional glass of wine when out for a meal with friends. I decide if and when I drink, not when social circumstances dictate. I jealously guard my mental and physical health. My anxiety levels are much lower now; I no longer have that ‘useless human being’ feeling that shadowed me everywhere.
A few weeks ago, something interesting happened- following a large glass of wine with a meal (planned, and the most I have drunk at once in a sitting). I woke up the next morning with a familiar old feeling in the pit of my stomach - fear, panic, anxiety and sadness. No other reason for it as I'd had a wonderful weekend.
Up until this event I had been happy with my moderation, but always learning about my relationship with alcohol and choices I make. It's not been an easy journey for me (is it for any of us?).
Over 50 years of alcohol consumption, a childhood devoid of emotional support, a disastrous marriage, but here I am.
"I’m happy that in my 70s I am making positive, gradual changes to many aspects of my life, understanding what makes me tick, and realising that it's never ever too late to lead a life that's better for myself and those around me."
*Name has been changed for privacy
