Always wanting to pull away from the habitual drinking patterns that I found myself in but always giving in, citing reasons to ‘just have one’, like: stressful day, crossed words with my husband / child / friend / myself, things to celebrate, the good or bad weather… I’d tell myself anything to justify just having one. But it was never one glass – more like one bottle, most nights. I’d always feel grumpy in the morning but would always get up and get on with it. I was not a ‘morning person’, I was a miserable person with a hangover most days in varying degrees and I didn’t like myself, but I just couldn’t see a way of breaking the cycle.
November 2021 |
9 minutes
I started Dry January in 2021 and haven’t drank alcohol since. Before that, my relationship with myself whilst drinking was a tough one.
Alcohol was the best friend that took away and rarely gave back.
So many nights I’d be wide awake berating myself for being weak for finishing the bottle again. Not being able to stop and wondering why, when normally I was a strong-willed and collected person holding down a good job, running my home and family life with a big group of good friends. My friends have said they didn’t think I was that bad, but when everyone is drinking you don’t notice the person that drinks the most.
Alcohol was the best friend that took away and rarely gave back. A selfish petulant friend that wanted everything her own way and became demanding when more fun wasn’t had, the extra glass wasn’t drunk, and the party ended. A friend that helped me celebrate all the fun times and helped me commiserate crap times. Made me stay up later than I should, forget my evenings or lose my belongings, make bad decisions and argue with my family and loved ones.
Never once did I question this ‘friend’ – I always just went along with her.
But I did question myself: Why can’t I stop? Why can’t I just have one drink? I never thought that I might be dependent. Alcohol is an addictive drug, sneakier than any other out there. It creeps up on you and before you know it, you need more and more!
I used alcohol to help me socialise and be brave. I’m now learning to do all that by myself... I feel confident just being me, without wine.
I used alcohol to help me socialise and be brave. I’m now learning to do all that by myself. When I drank, I didn’t like or trust myself, and my confidence and self-esteem was at rock bottom. The relationship I have with myself is now genuine, caring, kind and trusting. I feel confident just being me, without wine.
My friends and family have said they prefer the sober me. I’m calm, I listen more and I’m a better friend, more compassionate and thoughtful. My best friend said that when I drank, she would get an hour with me where I would be good to speak to, but the rest of the time I would just be lost to her in my own wine-filled world, not interested in what anyone else had to say. I’m so grateful I’m not like that anymore and I can be the ‘present’ and ‘in control’ friend I want to be to my loved ones.
I feel better, I sleep better, I save money, my skin looks good, my health is better – everything is just… better!
My relationship with alcohol has been amazing fun, exhilarating, exciting, joyous, but mostly exasperating, sad, confusing, scary, depressing, miserable and turbulent. My relationship without alcohol has been all of the above, extremely challenging and hard work, but I no longer have to say sorry, have the constant dread, anxiety, fear, hangovers, poor health, zero confidence or self-esteem! I have now found peace and calm without alcohol being a thing in my life. I feel better, I sleep better, I save money, my skin looks good, my health is better – everything is just… better! I’m learning to trust myself and be confident in my own abilities not using alcohol as a crutch. My relationships with my friends and family are better, I’m more present, loving, and kind.
I’m developing a deeper, kinder, happier, more genuine relationship with myself and everyone around me, and that is genuinely because I no longer drink alcohol.
Never in a million years did I think I could stop drinking for a day, week or month, but each day, week and month I do, and I won’t go back. I’m growing in confidence and I’m learning every day to be dependent on my resolve for a sober life. I’m proud of myself and who I’m starting to become without alcohol. I’m developing a deeper, kinder, happier, more genuine relationship with myself and everyone around me, and that is genuinely because I no longer drink alcohol.
Read more about the way alcohol can affect us and those around us.
