With addiction often comes a change in personality, and this is true of my mum too. When she has had a drink, the once kind and loving woman turns into a liar - verbally abusive, aggressive, manipulative. Ultimately unrecognisable.
There has always been an overwhelming sense of guilt surrounding my mum's illness, that I couldn’t make her stop, that I haven’t done enough, that I am not enough. But as I get older, there is also the realisation that I can’t ‘fix’ her. As much as I want her to change, it can’t be forced. She has to want it, and then she has to really work for it for the rest of her life.
I have also found that I need boundaries, something I used to be too scared to implement. I won’t speak to my mum when she is drinking. It’s hard because I can’t help but worry about her. However, speaking to her when she is drinking tends to make me upset or angry and it is up to me to avoid the things that make me feel this way.
These are things I’m still learning, and I need to remind myself of.
Alcoholism isn’t just about the person suffering with it, but its impact on those around them – and this impact is fairly monumental. [Editor’s note: You can read more about the language used to talk about drinking problems, including the word ‘alcoholic’, here.] The addict's loved ones are upset, angry, disappointed, and frustrated, because alongside any addiction comes lying and deception. Relationships are built on trust, and that ceases to exist when people are lied to constantly.
Children of alcoholics tend to be forgotten about, simply collateral damage. More needs to be done to raise awareness not only of alcohol dependence, but also the impact it has on those around the person drinking heavily.
Addiction is severely stigmatised, as with many mental illnesses. When someone has a physical illness, there is no hesitation as to whether or not they deserve to be treated. Why should it be different for mental health? Why isn’t there more research, more funding, more help available for everyone impacted by it? Fortunately, there are places where you can go for information, advice or just to talk to someone – places like Alcohol Change UK, Nacoa and Al-Anon.
My advice to anyone going through this is don't underestimate the importance of speaking to people about what you’re going through. It doesn't need to be a secret surrounded by shame. There are people out there who want to help and support you.
