I live in Castleford, West Yorkshire. I started work in the heavy-drinking steel industry in my teens. I drank and used drugs recreationally throughout the ‘90s club scene in England, but increasingly became dependent on alcohol as my 30s played out. I went to rehab in 2014 when I was 39.
My mum drank heavily – I was about six when it started. As time went on it got worse and worse, she was very loud, violent, and I lived with this right through my teens. Mum died as a result of her alcohol problems February 2019. I never wanted to end up like her… but how wrong was I!
I had been in the steel industry in Yorkshire from the age of 17 and I had worked my way up the ladder. That industry was very good to me in many ways. I learnt and earned a lot – life lessons, friends, experience in all aspects of steel, and management, etc. …and drinking! It was a very stressful environment and back in the day going out at lunch for five or six pints, and then going back to the office, was just the norm. Corporate dos after dos, all over the country and sometimes abroad …drink drink drink… it always sealed the deal! As things got tougher and more stressful and demanding, a drink at the end of the day was always welcomed. It’s just when it started to be a drink in the morning and throughout the day it became a serious problem for me.
Between 35 and 40 my alcohol problems peaked. I needed it every day to
function. I kept vodka in a water bottle next to the bed to bring me round and
to stop the vicious shakes. I was drinking to take away the sickness, drinking
to get an appetite, drinking during work, drinking after work, drinking at
night into the early hours, drinking cans on my own, repeated day after day. I
was literally under the influence every day for years.
I ended up losing my job through turning up to work totally drunk and
driving the company car. Eventually, something had to give. My doctor told me
one day, after a series of tests, that I would die soon if I carried on. I
didn’t take much notice as I was drunk at the time, but the doctor’s words
stuck. With the support of my wife, I somehow found the strength to go back to
the doctor’s and say the dreaded words at the time, “…I’m an alcoholic.” I was
diagnosed with ethanol dependency and I decided to go to rehab and therapy.
I was 39 when I finally got sober. I had my last can of Fosters on the
way to rehab on 18 May 2014, and I even signed the can which I still have to
this day on my mantelpiece, as a souvenir and a bit of motivation.
I felt a bit zombified in the initial phase of my sobriety – I needed
medication to manage my withdrawal symptoms and alcohol cravings. Then, after
around three months, I was off the medication, although I was still taking
anti-depressants (and still am to this day).
I am proud to say I have had no relapses since I have been sober. It was
tough at first, but I think what stuck with me was the fear of how ill I had
allowed myself to get. The memory of how bad my anxiety levels were when I was
drinking, and my mental health deteriorating, the panic attacks, not sleeping,
just waiting for it all to be over… that horrible memory kept me sober. I never
ever want to feel like that again!
Talking has been so good for my recovery and it still is today even after all my years sobriety. Another thing keeping me going in those early days was the thought of the knock-on effect my drinking had had on family, friends, and work. Everything had been affected – alcohol made me toxic.
The transport business I founded and have been running since 2016 is one of many things that spurs me on. It seems quite ironic after all my drink issues, drink-driving offences, and now a recovering alcoholic that I drive for a living! This is something I could not have done if I had still been drinking, not only because of the driving, but because the state of mind to run a business just wouldn’t have been there.
Life has just got better and better and so much easier in sobriety. It is not without its challenges, and the recent loss of my mother, and the suicide of my brother, both due to alcohol-related issues, were especially hard to deal with. The drink-devil reared its ugly head trying to tempt me back, but I told him to do one! I thought about how much worse I would feel with the added alcohol anxiety and stuck to my resolve.
It is easier for some than others to stop drinking, I know, but there is a way out if you speak up. I’m living proof – I’ve waited a long time, but I am now the man I have always wanted to be.
Sobriety works for me, and it can for you, too.
You can follow Paul on Instagram.
