Working together to support Punjabi and Sikh children affected by their parent’s drinking

Nacoa and the Sikh Recovery Network are working together to identify and break down barriers for Punjabi and/or Sikh families affected by a parent’s drinking.

My name is Jaz Rai and I am a recovering alcoholic. I am from a Punjabi Sikh family and have two sisters and a brother. Our parents brought us up with good morals, values and kept us connected to our Sikh faith. My father struggled with alcoholism, but neither of my siblings had any issues with alcohol.

I started drinking at the age of 17 and by the age of 26, I was a full-blown alcoholic and struggled to function without alcohol daily.

I hit rock bottom in July 2008 when I got caught drink driving for the third time. For the first time, I was fed up of my life and wanted to change. I realised the chaos and turmoil my drinking had caused my loved ones and me. My last drink was on 30 January 2009 and I have never drank since.

In 2016, I launched charity The Sikh Recovery Network, offering a cultural and faith-centred approach to recovery. In my recovery, I have been blessed to do some amazing things, from hosting a regular show on Sikh TV to addressing the United Nations in New York.

Recently, I’ve been involved with Nacoa, and the work they do helping children and families affected by addiction. Working together, we will help more children of alcoholics than ever before.

I remember the pain and the misery I put my family through: my wife, my daughter and my son. My daughter was 13 when I stopped drinking, and my son was 7. So they saw its full extent. My dad was an alcoholic, and my mother and siblings grew up with that. I know how painful it is.

I remember dad fondly. He was a very good man. He was an educated man, who spoke English, Hindi and Punjabi fluently. But once the drink got hold of him, he was quite a nasty man sometimes. And that wasn’t him, it was the drink. Sadly, he died very young at the age of 53.

Thanks to my own recovery, I have broken this cycle and am in a good place. The relationship I have with my kids today, I can’t describe it. It’s special.

For many families in my community, however, I know that this is not always the case.

The Sikh religion prohibits mind altering drugs. Though many just apply that to baptised Sikhs. For many people, like me, who trim the beard, for example, we are not baptised and feel permitted to drink alcohol.

Anyone will know that Sikh weddings are huge, and the drinks there will be freely available. Drinking is a social thing. It’s not done secretly; drinking in the Punjabi community is done quite openly.

The problem with drink being out in the open is it allows addiction to hide in plain sight. This is made worse in Sikh communities and households by the fact that there is a cultural taboo around addiction. Many in the family will conspire to cover it up to protect against feelings of shame.

When I was in my addiction, my mum would lie for me. My wife would lie for me. The kids were told to do the same. My daughter was distraught. She didn’t want to see her dad this way. But she couldn’t talk to her aunts and uncles about it.

So my daughter became resentful of me. But also of my wife. My wife would say she was going to leave me, but then come back. Then my kids then became resentful towards her. It was a family illness.

Only when I found recovery was I able to take responsibility for my actions and acquire the tools to cope with life, be there for my family, and become empowered to help others.

This is why I am so proud to be working with partner organisations to bring about some change. I want to bring some hope for those kids in my community who are struggling.

It is an honour to work alongside Jaz and the Sikh Recovery Network. He is doing unbelievable work helping us to understand how mainstream addiction support services can reduce barriers for people from Punjabi and Sikh communities.

The feeling I take from Jaz’s story is familiarity. We share many experiences. I relate with him as someone who has had parental addiction in his life since being a small child. Making that connection is so important for children of alcoholics because so often we are told to keep quiet.

What should shock us all is that, if Jaz and I were both children right now, affected by a parent’s drinking, statistically speaking Jaz would be far less likely than me to find support from a service like Nacoa. We need to reflect and ask ourselves why.

We know there is a taboo around alcohol in these communities. Sikh households can be formed of multiple generations and extended families who don’t want that family secret to get out. Let’s forget about the professionals for a moment. You can’t even talk to a family member.

But in a recent episode of Nacoa’s Lunchtime Lives, Jaz said that often it is as simple as that people just don’t know there is help out there. The awareness work and engagement just hasn’t been done.

Sarah Galvani has written during this Alcohol Awareness Week that ‘leadership within the community must move against cultural norms’ around excessive drinking. Fathers, she says, should ‘lead the way’.

For organisations like Nacoa, however, we can also start to listen and learn. In many respects, the problems faced by people affected by a parent’s drinking know no cultural boundaries. It never ceases to shock me how similar our extraordinary experiences can be.

The exchange of knowledge should be our guiding light. As a service, we only elevate our offer by broadening our cultural literacy and signposting capacity in all areas. We can then return by opening opportunities for people to find an inclusive space for information, advice and support.

A first step is knowing that we will not achieve this alone. It is vital to reach out, listen, enfranchise, and then reflect back. As my friend and fellow COA Jaz Rai says, ‘We need to support each other. It is crucial to work together.’

Nacoa UK provides information, advice and support for everyone affected by a parent’s drinking. Its ‘Widening Access’ project was created in 2021 to help better understand the needs of the diverse communities using its services.

The Sikh Recovery Network offers help and guidance for people suffering with an addiction problem. They are tackling the stigma of addiction in the Sikh community by offering group recovery meetings and fitness activities in Sikh temples.