I started drinking like a lot of us did in the 90's, hanging out in the park at 14, then sneaking into bars and clubs at 15. I had struggled with social anxiety for as long as I could remember, and alcohol felt like a miracle cure. Suddenly I could talk to people, laugh without second-guessing myself, and feel like I belonged. I threw myself into it completely. I was the loud one, the one with the wild ideas, the one who always took it too far.
When I was 17, my mum died. My drinking ramped up fast. Every night out ended with me crying or getting into arguments. I could not seem to stop once I started. Friends who knew me sober often said I became a different person when I drank.
At university, my habits blended in. Like many students, I was drinking every day. When I arrived, I was too shy to speak to my new housemates. But by the end of the first night, I was on stage with the student entertainment team. People called me the party girl, and I leaned into it.
Motherhood shifted things again. I moved from binge drinking to what some people now call grey area drinking. I was drinking too often, waking up hungover for work, searching online for signs of a drinking problem. I wanted to cut down, but I couldn’t seem to. I wasn’t physically addicted, but alcohol had become my emotional crutch. With my husband working away, the loneliness and boredom led me to drink even more.
With lockdown things got worse. The weather was warm, there was no routine, and it felt like a strange kind of holiday at first. I began drinking earlier in the day. Before long, I was up to two and a half bottles of wine daily. There were no days off. I knew I was in trouble. I was frightened, but I felt stuck.
After a few months of this, I found an online sober community. For the first time, I met women who felt just like me. I had tried AA before, but I always felt like I did not belong. I would hear stories that seemed more extreme than mine and made me think I was taking up space meant for someone else. But the online community showed me that my experience mattered too. Having sober friends and a safe space to talk was what I needed to get well and stay well.
A couple of years into my sobriety, someone in my family was diagnosed with ADHD. That brought up an old memory of a professional who once suggested I might have it too. At the time I was horrified. Eventually, I got assessed and was diagnosed. Suddenly everything started to make sense. The constant search for stimulation, the impulsive decisions, the emotional intensity, the way I could not stop drinking once I started. It was all linked. Alcohol had been my way of self medicating. Every time I felt overwhelmed or rejected, I would go back to what I knew could give me a temporary fix. Understanding this helped me finally stop blaming myself.
Today I have been sober for four years. Life is not perfect, but it is real and grounded and much better. I still experience social anxiety, but I am now far more confident than I ever was when I was hiding behind alcohol.
As part of my recovery, I began sharing my story through my Click Sober social media accounts. I wanted to reach others like me, especially women with ADHD or people stuck in that confusing middle ground of grey area drinking.
I know how isolating it can feel when you do not identify as an alcoholic, but you still know something is wrong. Through sharing, I have met so many people on similar paths. I now volunteer within the sober community, where I support others on their journey. I have written blogs and magazine pieces about my experiences, hosted meetings, and helped create spaces where people feel safe to question their drinking without shame.
Sobriety gave me back control of my life. More than that, it gave me a purpose. If someone sees a bit of their story in mine, and it helps them take one step closer to change, then everything I went through will have been worth it.
Learn more about Beth here.
