I’m James and I have been in recovery now for just over five years.
There is a misconception in society about what an alcoholic is. Some think an alcoholic is sat on a park bench with no home, no hope and has a bottle in their hand. This is misleading and we are preventing so many people from getting the help that they deserve. Alcohol dependency can affect anyone at all. It doesn’t care about who you are – mum, dad, sister, son and it’s not bothered about your social status, age or ethnicity.
I believe it is a family illness because everybody suffers and not just the person who is drinking. There is nothing better for me than to see people having a good time with beaming smiles on their faces and dancing to the music that I’ve produced or DJ-ed. However, when I take off my mask there’s another side to me. My close circle know that I have struggled for the last 20 years battling anxiety and depression and that I used to drink heavily as a coping mechanism. My alcohol dependence hurt so many people and put me in so many dangerous situations. Towards the end of my drinking career and when I first entered recovery, I was at the stage of nearly losing everything and everyone. I want to say to anyone who is still in the vicious cycle and contemplating change, there is hope and I am the living proof.
I always saw my addiction as a negative thing that had no place in society. I would have people always point the finger and call me out on my drinking. This made me feel extremely ashamed and would remind me of the inadequate feelings I had as a child. I was not ready to face up to the fact I had a problem with drinking as it was helping me in the short-term to numb my feelings. I didn’t have a problem because this is something everyone did, right?
Feelings of guilt, shame and despair really started to consume and overwhelm me, and this is when my drinking got out of hand, and I would isolate myself and drink alone. I thought if I was drinking on my own, I could get away with it and nobody would know. Drinking for me at this point was not fun anymore and I really had to dig deep to change my life, not for anyone else, but for me.
I had to be true to myself and deal with why I was drinking in the first place.
The timing had to be right for me and nobody else. I had tried many times to give up on my own and failed again and again. I found it so hard to be abstinent. I didn’t know where to go for help or who to turn to. I had tried AA, hypnotherapy, counselling, self-help books and trying to stay clear of anywhere alcohol was.
Anyway, on the 8 September 2017, I had my last drink.
Early on in my recovery I came across a centre, after a friend recommended it. The Living Room in Cardiff had like-minded people in recovery and their non-judgmental approach worked for me.
For the first time in my life, I really felt a part of something. For years, I thought I was the only one with something different about me. At The Living Room, I could finally open up, something I hadn’t done since my Nan died when I was 17. I really felt like I belonged and was loved again. All anyone ever craves is to feel connected, accepted and understood.
My relationship with my wife, children, family, and friends has massively changed for the better and we trust each other again.
I now work as a peer recovery and aftercare worker for Recovery Cymru, a new chapter in my life. During my time in recovery, I have met so many inspirational people and I have learnt so much myself.
For me, working with people from all walks of life and helping them to rebuild their lives is the most fulfilling and meaningful work. The help I received over the years has been priceless. I take great pride in using my experiences to inspire people and spread a message of hope. I think that everyone has the potential to recover and everything I now do is to empower others and give them a second chance and have a choice over their lives. This role is so important as it builds connections and communities.
