It started when I was a little girl, always feeling like I didn't fit in. Always feeling like the world was on my shoulders. I had incredibly low self-esteem and self-worth at a young age and I didn’t know what to do with these incredibly overwhelming feelings that I felt.
I'd learnt that it's much better to not talk about your feelings but rather brush them to the side. So this is what I did. I was diagnosed with ADHD and dyslexia at 12, being put on medication to deal with these things and slowly I started to realize that the dependency of drugs was the way to make myself feel better. I had the ISMs before I even picked up drink and drugs.. I’d isolate and pretend I wasn't in reality because I was so scared to face life and accept life for what it is because I hated failure or the idea of not liking things that didn't go my way so when I picked up drugs and alcohol it was almost like I’d found myself and I could numb the pain I was really feeling inside.
Not only that but drugs and alcohol made me the life of the party, and I associated this with being cool and popular. I wanted to be perfect and to be seen as this perfect human. On the outside I looked like the I was happiest person ever, I was modelling and working in clubs and had loads of friends but little did you know I was living a lie and suffering inside trying to keep this mask.
From the ages 13 till 18 I was an absolute mess of life and battling some sort of addiction. I couldn't stop and I hated myself. I was bulimic, drinking and doing drugs. The cycle was so bad and I couldn't see anyway out.
I started to change when I hit rock bottom and had no way going forward in life. I had looked in the mirror and saw my whole life flash before me. I wasn’t living, I was just existing day to day by just self-sabotaging in addiction. Drinking most days, doing drugs I said I’d never do, making myself throw up by binge eating. It was a repetitive cycle that I couldn’t get out of until I actually did something about it. Only I could make change so I went into rehab and got psychological help.
That was nearly 11 years ago. I am living proof of someone that has battled her demons and changed her life around by working on herself and having a complete change in attitude, life belief and self-worth. I had to do intense therapy and work with someone else to get better. I had to rewire my belief systems and thought process to realize that I was the only one suffering and that I have a choice today in anything in my life.
My life now is one I'd never imagine. I feel so free and believe I can do anything. I moved to Hong Kong, I did a masters in addiction psychology, I completed a life coaching and NLP qualification and I can generally wake up feeling like I can battle the day without turning to addictions to numb the pain. I've travelled the world, and now live in Bali and I’m now helping other people be free from their own pain by working 1-1 with them through fitness, nutrition, mental health work and more.
My why is every single person that has been through what I’ve been through. It's not a nice place to be and I was in a place of wanting to end my life. I don't want anyone to go through what I went through and fully believe my purpose in life is to help people suffering, to get them to a place of true happiness and freedom from self-sabotaging behaviours. For people to deal with their problems head on and feel like they can battle anything no matter what.
