Holly’s story: “It's so rewarding being able to use my own journey for good”

Trigger warning: This blog contains reference to suicide.

Starting university, I moved from a remote farming village to Leeds. My eyes were opened to a new world, and unfortunately I learnt that not everyone you meet has the best intentions. I got into a relationship and fell head over heels in love with someone who had no intention of being committed to me. I made best friends, only to find out they were not my friends at all. I was cheated on, lied to and treated really badly by people I had put my whole heart and trust into. This left me considering whether to take my own life, but decided to leave university and return home for good. I left after two years and never returned.

My drinking then escalated quickly in my mid-twenties. Before I knew it, I was dependent on alcohol, and my life was spiralling. I lost my spark entirely and wouldn’t shower for weeks. I had no social life, mainly because I couldn’t leave the house without a bottle of wine with me, as I’d start experiencing physical withdrawals. It was absolutely exhausting. Alcohol stripped away my health, my hope and pieces of myself. I thought I’d never get them back.

After once going to A&E for help, I was told I had six months left to live should I continue on the path I was on. In that moment, it didn’t surprise me or really upset me. I knew, or believed, I was going to die – whether it was from my body shutting down or as a result of taking my life because I couldn’t live that life anymore. I couldn’t stop drinking. I didn’t know how, and I couldn’t imagine a life without alcohol.

When I look back at that moment now, I wish the old me had my present self with her then. I would hold her hand, look into her eyes and tell her she can do anything she puts her mind to. I’d tell her life can and will get better. I saw a quote the other day: “what a privilege it is to grow into someone I used to need.” It has never resonated so much.

At the time, my dad thought he could help ‘fix me’. But after living with him for two weeks he realised it was a much bigger problem and arranged for me to go into treatment. He came into my place of work at the time, initially to bring me some cider as I was experiencing withdrawal symptoms. Then I got into his car, and he told me I was going to rehab that afternoon. I remember staring blankly, but I knew that was what I needed. I needed to be taken out of my environment to stop my habits – going to the shops three or four times a day to buy alcohol and using delivery apps.

It was the most phenomenal four weeks of my life. That was 2 May 2023, so I’ve just reached three years sober and have never looked back.

I believe my dad saved my life, and he agrees. I believe he had no other option, other than watching his daughter drink herself to death. That, I believe, is every parent’s worst nightmare. And if I didn’t go to rehab when I did, I believe I would be dead now.

Following treatment, I spent time doing counselling and therapy and focused on getting well. I’d started with counselling when in rehab and loved it, even though it was hard. I knew I needed to speak about the trauma I went through in Leeds as it still had such a profound hold on me and I struggled to make sense of how people you held in such high regard could hurt you so much. I had trauma counselling for around five months, which was really helpful.

Then, when I was around one-year sober, I thought to myself ‘it’s time to start living again’. I wanted to use my experience to help others in the same boat and secured a job at Change Grow Live as an alcohol and drug support worker. It’s so much more than a job to me and I really feel I’ve found my purpose – it's so rewarding being able to use my own journey for good. If anyone can help people who are struggling with alcohol and give them hope that things can change, it’s someone who’s been there and has come out the other side.

Also, I started going to the gym and running again. Sport has always been a huge part of my life, and this completely stopped when I was drinking. It’s key to my ongoing maintenance of my health, wellbeing and sobriety. I see running as free therapy. It reminds me I can do hard things. And no physical pain I might experience when running can ever be worse than the emotional pain I felt in alcohol addiction.

I set my sights on running my first 10k and did. Then it was time for something bigger, so I did the London Landmarks Half Marathon. I was proud to do so supporting Alcohol Change UK and the team’s work to tackle alcohol harm, as I feel very strongly about change I want to see. I despise that supermarkets advertise and have alcohol on offer as soon as you walk in. They don't do that with cigarettes; they're not allowed to do it with confectionary. So why, when I walk into a supermarket is there a crate of beer or cider, more than likely on offer, immediately in my face. It triggers people and causes harm. Everybody knows supermarkets sell alcohol. It absolutely does not need to be in your face and pushed as hard as it is.

The London Landmarks Half Marathon was the best day of my life so far. I loved every second of it. I felt immensely proud of everything I had achieved, and it was so great alongside other people striving for their goals and smashing life. I’m now itching to do a full marathon next year!