Penny’s story: “The journey may be long and messy, but continuing to try shows real grit”

I saw my parents drinking heavily when I was small, but they still had jobs and a house and everything, so we didn’t talk about it.

I started drinking excessively from about fifteen or sixteen years old. I was very depressed and my mental health was not good. We didn’t talk about it.

I moved out and got a job and house and partner, but was still drinking and still very depressed. We didn’t talk about it.

I scraped through the next 12 years. My mental health became more fragile as my drinking became my main focus, my obsession. We didn’t talk about it.

I started making very unwise decisions and my life was chaos. I had a baby. I split up with my partner. I kept my job, got my own house. I continued drinking.

I did this for some more years and then had a breakdown. I started to get mental health support and it confirmed what I always knew. I have bipolar.

I have always known that alcohol wasn't good for me and tried different things at different times. I first went to AA when I was around 20 years old, but I don’t think I was ready then. I've had support from CGL twice. The more recent time was at the same time as mental health services started getting properly involved with me, and I got my diagnosis, medication and therapy that was right for me.

The therapy helped but the drinking continued.

I went to detox, but I came out and unfortunately relapsed after two months. I carried on drinking for a year. During this time I felt lost and hopeless. I almost didn't see the point.

I was still seeing a psychiatrist who told me at every appointment that my medication would not work correctly whilst I was still drinking, and that mood disorders and alcohol are not a good mix. I knew this, but I still kept drinking. My physical health began suffering more as well, although I tried to hide it from everyone around me. I was still keeping down a part-time job but I knew this was not going to be possible for much longer - my drinking was all-consuming.

The change came at a CGL appointment where the nurse suggested they might recommend rehab. She explained to me that this would be a three month inpatient stay. It floored me - ever since I’d been a young teenager, all I'd ever wanted was to 'go away' for three months and get help. Yet, somehow, something changed in my mind. Three months would be a long time for my nine-year-old and the more I thought about it, the more I realised my life would likely look very different after three months away from my son, partner, work, pet, house, and all else. I felt a sort of awakening and knew I wanted to try and make serious change without rehab.

So a year after being in detox, almost to the day, on my 36th birthday, I stopped drinking.

I didn't do it safely and stopped completely one day. However, I did have regular appointments with CGL and thankfully didn't have serious withdrawals. Previously, my cravings had been torturous and my mental health had been very fragile after stopping for a short time, but this time was different.

I’ve been sober for three months so far and my scary high blood tests are starting to get less scary. My liver is starting to heal. I'm not sick in the mornings or drinking instead of eating. I take my medication properly. My skin looks so healthy and I’ve lost weight.

I have regular check in appointments with a mental health specialist at CGL, and weekly counselling is very beneficial to me. I've also found the courage to go back to college to do a part-time course, which is something I've wanted to do for years but wasn't possible when I was drinking.

One of the best things about me not drinking has been the reduction of shame and guilt that I experience. As a child, shame crept in early and I thought it was normal, as my family hid their drinking and mental health issues from the outside world, and when I started drinking the cycle of shame continued and worsened. Since stopping drinking, I would say my shame levels dropped almost instantly. It felt like I was wearing heavy chains around my neck and body, and I now feel like they've gone.

My mental health is stable for the first time in so long, and my relationship with my son is my focus. Our relationship has always been based on absolute love and care, but I could never be fully present or counted on by him. I thought I’d hidden it all from him, but that just wasn’t the reality. I can see a greater sense of relaxation and ease within him, the worry lifted, and I don’t want him to have to carry that weight again.

We talk about it.

I don’t want to carry on the generational cycle of harm my family didn’t talk about.

One thing that really irritates me is alcohol advertising. It’s almost always a crisp cold drink on a hot day, and it bears no resemblance to the reality of alcohol dependency. I wish alcohol advertising was banned, not only because it’s harmful for people already struggling, but because it presents an unhealthy and misleading picture of drinking to children.

Online alcohol ordering was also one of the most damaging things for me. At the height of my dependency, it meant that even when I couldn’t leave the house, drinking was still completely accessible. The wider social perception of drinking in the UK needs to change - although I do see more younger people choosing healthier ways of living, I’m not sure this is yet the norm.

I wish there was more open conversation about alcohol dependency in families. The fear of being judged or reported to social services kept me silent for a long time, and that silence allows harm to continue generationally. To anyone who is drinking to cope with mental illness or trauma: it makes sense that you would try to dull the pain, especially when help is hard to access. Finding even one professional, service or tool that reduces distress a little can be the start. The journey may be long and messy, but continuing to try shows real grit - and hope matters.

*Pseudonym used for privacy.