Three key questions about alcohol and emotions

I like to believe that emotions are created by our thoughts, and they need to evolve and develop as part of our nervous system. The more evolved our emotional responses become, the more comfortable we feel in our own skin. It's through exposure to and engagement with life’s challenges that our emotions typically grow stronger and become less overwhelming.

Ideally, you want emotions that are both sensitive and strong — sensitive in the sense that they are perceptive, allowing you to fully receive the information life is constantly offering; and strong enough that you can interpret this information accurately and respond in a way that aligns with your values and desires.

However, if you've been avoiding this emotional development over the years — perhaps by using alcohol or other substances — then stopping suddenly can leave your nervous system raw and exposed. It's like stripping away synthetic insulation. Without that buffer, the flood of emotional and sensory input can feel overwhelming, and the underdeveloped nervous system struggles to process it all.

This often leads people to seek out a new buffer — sometimes in the form of medications, or by avoiding any situation that might cause discomfort. But real growth requires us to lean into these challenges, not hide from them.

I think, unfortunately, there are so many ways today to avoid real life. It’s not all bad — some of it can be fun or even helpful in moderation — but it often seems easier than facing the real world. And when the problem feels easier to live with than the solution, we can get stuck in the problem.

One of the hardest things, in my experience, is helping people understand that at first, they might have to go through periods of discomfort. That old saying “no pain, no gain” is more relevant now than ever. Emotions are kind of like muscles — they need resistance to grow stronger.

I've found that emotional development works best with support — being around people who are aiming for the same thing. Having a method, a framework, or some form of guidance can make all the difference. Emotional growth impacts every area of your life, and for those who are dealing with trauma or deep emotional pain, professional help is often necessary — and there’s no shame in that.

The fight is won in the gym — both metaphorically and literally.

Invest your time, energy, and money into your personal development and well-being. When you help yourself grow, you’ll naturally help make the world around you a better place.

These are just foundational ideas — very brief answers. Each person’s situation is unique, and their circumstances need to be carefully considered to discover the best way forward. But under what we’d consider “normal” living conditions, if you’re struggling with your emotions while sober, I believe it’s best to learn how to naturally soothe and develop your emotional capacity.

From my experience, the two main reasons people struggle emotionally are:

1. Emotional underdevelopment due to long periods of suppression or avoidance
   
2. Emotional damage caused by adverse or traumatic experiences, often in childhood.

If it’s a case of underdevelopment, it’s going to take focused time, effort, and learning to grow stronger emotions. It’s not easy — the key is allowing the natural process time to work. In recovery circles, we often refer to this as the bridge — the time it takes to move from emotional instability to emotional strength and maturity. Eventually, you’ll find yourself more at ease in environments that demand emotional engagement — like family, work, friendships, or social situations — especially when challenges arise.

I’ve found that this is very difficult to achieve on your own. Having support — whether from friends, family, a therapist, or a support group — is crucial. It’s common for people to become hypersensitive when they first stop drinking. While this often settles down with time, in my experience, it can take around four years to develop true emotional stability. Like any apprenticeship, there’s a lot to learn and experience before you start feeling like you know what you’re doing. And that’s the part most people struggle with — the time and patience it takes.

If your emotions feel damaged and uncontrollable, you may be dealing with trauma, and professional help is essential. But everything above still applies. The severity of your issues will largely dictate the level of support you need.

The best advice I ever received was this: It’s about the journey, not the destination.

Our reactions to life start in the mind — between our ears — and from there, they shape our emotions, and eventually our behaviour. It takes work to learn how to manage our thoughts and emotions, but it’s possible.