Honey, I'm drunk because of the kids

Marcus Barnes | April 2020 | 7 minutes

Marcus Barnes shares his tips for parenting during lockdown without giving into the drinking memes.

sarışın porno yaşlı porno konulu porno porno izle 69 porno rus porno anal porno bakire sex bangbros olgun porno

Just over three weeks into lockdown and most parents will agree it’s felt like an eternity. We’ve nearly lost our minds trying our damnedest to keep kids occupied, educated and entertained. Enter the meme about 2020 being a unique leap year, in that it has 29 days in February, 300 days in March, and five years in April… Yep.

I’ve been sober since December 2018 and my baby daughter arrived in June 2019. Adapting to the rigours of parenthood while working from home has been extremely challenging. But in a way it’s trained me for this close-quarters shut-in. And for dealing with the many, many viral memes endorsing alcohol as a lockdown parenting-aid.

Take the one with Alec Baldwin pouring a drink with the caption, ‘Home schooling day one: we’re 11 mins in and all’s going well’. It doesn’t take long for our kids to wind us up. Even a Zen Buddhist master will end up losing their cool when faced with a five-year-old who knows exactly what buttons to push in order to get a reaction. They are the true masters. So taking some time out is imperative, even if that means a pretend trip to the loo or the shower (whether you’ve already had one or not). Breathe, shake it off, acknowledge your anger without reacting to it; even scream into a towel if you need to. It’s important not to bottle these jagged emotions up, or turn to the bottle to anaesthetise them.

Breathe, shake it off, acknowledge your anger without reacting to it; even scream into a towel if you need to. It’s important not to bottle these jagged emotions up, or turn to the bottle to anaesthetise them.

Another meme states, ‘Me when I realise the kids are probably headed home for a 24-day weekend’, with a picture of a woman draining a fishbowl cocktail through a straw. Being cooped up with your children with very little scope for fun days out is bound to place everyone under an intense amount of pressure. Those with gardens can take the edge off by letting the kids out to release pent-up energy. For those who don’t, it really is a must to get outside every day - whether that means a trip to the local supermarket, playtime at the park or even just a walk round the block.

Then there’s, ‘Parenting during the coronavirus shutdown…’ Day one features Julie Andrews as Mary Poppins, the very picture of starched togetherness, while day three depicts Annie’s child-hating Miss Hannigan clutching two bottles of hard liquor. I think the key here is to remember that none of us are superhuman. Yes, the house probably will start to look like a bombsite, and no wonder, in this very unusual set of circumstances. Perfection is unattainable.

But my favourite meme says, ‘Homeschooling is going well. Two students suspended for fighting and one teacher fired for drinking on the job.’ I’d hazard a guess that most parents never imagined having to be so involved in their kids’ education, besides helping with homework in the evenings. Remember that talking about this stuff with others who are in the same boat (so, everyone) can be cathartic. You are not alone, believe me.

Remember that talking about this stuff with others who are in the same boat (so, everyone) can be cathartic. You are not alone, believe me.

Lastly, there’s the man with his face in his hands, distraught, with the caption, ‘Quick question… How are teachers not alcoholics?’ A post on Instagram (by Dr Genevieve Von Lob, a clinical psychologist who specialises in parenting) answers this stress conundrum perfectly.

‘Dear parents,’ she writes, ‘There is no academic emergency this week, so don’t be so quick to set up a home school. Our country is in crisis and we are all stressed and tired. Stressed adults cannot teach stressed children. It is a neuro-biological impossibility. Try focusing on connections and feelings of safety.’ Amen!

When you’re sober there really is nowhere to hide from your raw emotions, the fear, the anxiety and the claustrophobia. It’s hard. Add parenting to that mix, and it becomes doubly hard. Ultimately though, we’re better off playing hide and seek with our kids than with a bottle of wine and our emotions.

  • Marcus Barnes is a journalist and copywriter. You can follow him on Instagram @mgoldenbarnes